Friday, January 6, 2023


With all the news about the OGL, I thought it would be a useful public service to provide some guidelines for any evil RPG companies out there, especially the smaller more boutique operations, seeking to increase their wealth through nefarious means. Here is simple advice you can use to increase profits in the name of all that is wicked and unholy. 


Once you understand everything is under-monetized, the only limit to how much money you can make is your creativity. People have all kinds of assumptions about what they rightly own, what fees companies can charge, etc. What you need to do is find unexpected ways to turn your customer's money into your money. For example, companies often sell their RPG books with no restrictions on ownership. Instead of selling books you could lease them, and you could even build in fees for damage to the book at the end of the lease. This allows you to keep selling your book to the same customer, over and over again. 

And don't let the law or tradition get in the way here. With a little bullying and a small legal team, you can try all kinds of crazy things. Charge a dice tax and include legal language in your rulebook that monetizes the rolling of dice. Most people don't have enough money to defend themselves in court so even if this approach is treading questionable legal ground, it will still make you tons of cash and that's what is truly important. 


If you want to make money in RPGs you must be unashamed and unethical. Once you abandon your scruples, then a wide world of tactics previously unavailable to you become possible. Also you won't be hindered by nagging pangs of guilt for all the misery and pain you cause. This will then allow you to make the choices that bring wealth. And once you have resources, you can truly commit to a campaign of evil the industry has never before seen. 


Obviously it's crucial to have a solid legal team and an army of trolls and sock puppets at your disposal, but never underestimate the power of old fashioned muscle. This is the stark line that sets apart the ordinary evil publishers from the extraordinary evil publishers. People who don't respond to online intimidation or legal threats are often very receptive to broken bones and contusions. So make sure you budget to hire the right kind of criminal element who understand the cruder forms of persuasion. 


Sometimes dice taxes and hired goons just aren't enough. If you are dealing with a rival company, especially one that has a lot of good will among gamers, you need to up your game and build a death ray to destroy them. This isn't going to be easy, and it will be a costly investment, but ultimately it will be worth every penny. Provided you have taken all the necessary steps to exploit your customers for maximum profit, you should have the resources for this. But if you don't there are other options. 


If you are having difficulty finding the capital to invest in all your evil activities, dip your toes into the illegal drug trade. This is always profitable and a great way to get a quick burst of cash. There are dangers, obviously, so you don't want to do any of the work on the ground here. You need middle men to absorb most of the risk, but you must also be careful none of them can rise high enough to turn against you. This is a place your hired goons and super fans can be quite useful. Remember to bribe all necessary local officials and keep separate books for your drug money. Also make sure this is purely a supplemental venture to generate revenue for your evil RPG activities. Drug empires can be a huge distraction if you are not careful. 


If you can kill your rivals with death rays, they can kill you with death rays. And law enforcement is a constant threat. So you need to establish a secret and well-protected lair from which all your malevolent activities can be conducted. Uncharted islands are a good option, and something underground can work, but the best choice, if you can afford it, is a base on a moon. A lunar fortress is inaccessible to virtually all of your enemies and challenging for most governments to reach. And you will need a hidden base to achieve the apex of evil RPG publishing. 


When local authorities try to arrest you for trafficking narcotics, or when when your questionable dice taxes land you in court, you need to become the law so you can be above the law. This may be the hardest thing you will ever do, but if you've come this far there is no turning back. You've abandoned your scruples, you've committed criminal acts of violence and threatened people with advanced lethal technology. You have no choice, you need to become a rogue state. Forming a rogue state is no easy task. You will require defenses to keep rival competition and other states from toppling you. If you already have a death ray, this will be useful but insufficient for the purposes of deterring a large government with a powerful military. You must acquire a nuclear arsenal, with long range capabilities (at least 5,500 kilometers), and you should obtain said arsenal before becoming a rogue state. In addition you will have numerous domestic responsibilities such holding sham elections, maintaining a vibrant propaganda machine and less savory activities. 

Disclaimer: Obviously this is purely intended as humor  


  1. Hah! Seriously made my day reading this.

  2. If WotC (or Hasbro) follows your advice and become supervillains, we could be in for a spot of trouble. :)